“ The expression goes : Do n’t fuck with the person that serve your nutrient , ” a former Apple Genius tells me over IM . “ Do n’t fuck with the somebody who repairs your calculator . ” He — we’ll call him Ronald — spent six years as a member of Apple ’s Genius police squad in a busy Southwestern store . It was a example depot : shiny as the best of them , teeming , reach money . But in back room and in plain sight , the employee ran wild : give away computer , stealing speech sound , drunkenly destruct customer place . Ronald saw ( and did ) it all .
You might think twice before your next visit to the bar .
Ronald is a flighty sort of guy cable , prostrate to minute of dishing about Apple over the telephone and IM with obvious contempt , before vanishing into the thin trenches of the online netherworld . At one breaker point we went almost an entire year without utter , before he reemerged to link me up with another Genius we ’ll call Jake : a stalwart nine - to - five type whose aversion to charter part in this news report stem only with his meddling docket .
Ronald , on the other hired hand , is terrified of Apple . terrify of what the white and aluminium demigod would do to him , and what it ’d do his friends if the mothership ever found out about what they did . It was bad , and it was n’t just a bunch of young strong-armer form the system ; the putridness rain down down from above and pool late at the bottom .
Jake and Ronald both spoke with grin and contempt about their former boss - of - boss , a regional handler from Apple corporate who they allege execute the store like it was her own personal playground . Jake say the rest of the gang was n’t much good . “ It bend my brain to love that , statistically verbalize , it ’s harder to get a problem at the Apple Store than it is to get into some Ivy League schools , ” he suppose . “ Yet somehow they ’re staff by some of the most tactless people this side of mastering the ability to talk . ”
These were the the great unwashed at the front telephone line of Apple ’s retail conglomerate . summate a hiring roaring of vernal ( possibly awkward ) guns , inject them with the ego - inflaming title of Genius , add liquor , and thunder : risky business . But they were a squad . And together they perpetrated and put up with some serious retail warfare crimes — hooey that ’d make Tim Cook ’s fleece jacket unravel .
Trading computers for plastic surgery…
Both Ronald and Jake describe their regional manager as an unsufferable tyrant . But everyone has a jerk party boss , right ? Probably not one who present away ware in exchange for a weight loss performance : With lilliputian endeavour to cover up her deal from the respite of the staff ( who feared at hand resultant ) , Ronald and Jake say the store ’s Apple corporate regional coach arranged the sale of heavily discounted data processor to a local credit card operating surgeon in exchange for a stomach staple procedure .
…and plenty of other stuff
“ She was infamous for pulling favors for concern in the community who did n’t require to represent by Apple ’s rules , ” says Jake . “ loaning computers out for over a month without any payment by manipulating stock-taking , issuing client service exceptions for time when she would damage her products , and offer excessive discounts to welcome extra favors outside of the work . She made quid pro quo an art . ”
Stealing bonuses
Sometimes it was quid pro quo , and sometimes it was just eminent domain . The store staff ’s bonuses were slashed ( or eliminated entirely ) so that managers could reap full-grown chunks of hard cash .
6:13:03 PM Ronald : you would not believe the managing director bonuses
6:13:06 PM sambiddle : really ?
6:13:09 PM Ronald : they took all of ours aside
6:13:19 PM Ronald : one twenty-four hours she is drive a shitty saturn
6:13:26 PM Ronald : next it ’s a brand new BMW
6:13:36 post-mortem Ronald : and they do n’t do shit
6:13:39 PM Ronald : it ’s amazing
This did n’t last . Jake severalize me the Sales Queen ’s retail authoritarianism turned on her , and she was finally fired — reportedly for “ unfair hiring practices , ” “ playing favorites , ” and “ questionable activities circumvent enjoyment of storage service . ” In other words , being crooked .
Unlimited iPhones
But the managing director was n’t the only one gage the system . Ronald hold that he , along with almost everyone else on the Genius staff , wildly and barefacedly work the store ’s slack and easily defrauded counter and exchange policies for a well-nigh unlimited supply of Apple ironware . Want a gratuitous phone ? Create a fake transaction .
5:59:30 PM Ronald : I think for awhile , none of us had a not up to date anything
5:59:36 PM Ronald : but it was worked through different ways
5:59:48 postmortem Ronald : no one “ walked ” out with anything
5:59:56 PM Ronald : we def abuse our employee price reduction
6:00:41 PM sambiddle : if you broke your phone
6:00:44 postmortem sambiddle : how did you just get a raw one ?
6:00:56 PM Ronald : created a case and replaced it
6:01:01 PM Ronald : just like a client
6:01:25 PM Ronald : we did all the paper work , and replaced it out of religious service stock
6:01:31 PM Ronald : genius has a military service stock
6:01:36 PM sambiddle : and nobody ever became funny ?
6:01:38 PM Ronald : then there is retail stock
6:01:43 PM Ronald : nope
6:01:51 PM Ronald : we were the doorkeeper kind of
6:02:05 post-mortem examination sambiddle : is there any kind of bodied lapse of gillyflower ?
6:02:08 PM Ronald : apple never had it in place to check up on shit like this
6:02:10 PM Ronald : they do now though
6:02:37 PM Ronald : I intend it ’s more regional about oversight
6:03:03 PM Ronald : like I said . a managing director would pull a phone to make someone happy and make the inventorying guy “ fix ’ the numbers
Destroying Unlimited iPhones
But the Genius bunch was n’t just jerk all these phones so they could make vociferation with both ear . They took them just so they could break them .
Ronald used this inventory loophole — which he and Jake both say is harder to exploit these days — to go through unnumbered iPhones for the downright ridiculousness of it . At parties with other Apple employees , they ’d all get tanked , pull out their phones , and transfix them to the ground , express joy as the Gorilla Glass and circuits spray . Sounds more entertaining than flip loving cup , at least — and to Jake and the rest , it was a sort of secret plan . How many phone could they hale out of oblivious , infinitely - stocked Apple ? In the early day of the speech sound , the only point of accumulation seemed to be the audacity of the Geniuses . They even trade gearing for liberal drinks .
Free Computers for Cheap Booze
Of course they were intoxicated . It was a nerve-wracking business . And how else could you get in the mood to ruin tens of thousands of buck of iPhones for sport if not inebriated ? Luckily , the Geniuses had a prompt way to mark crapulence on Apple ’s dime :
5:32:43 PM Ronald : we had sealed bars that hooked us up
5:32:58 PM Ronald : I think the computer storage before ours gave this cake down the street a mac mini to serve music
5:33:08 PM Ronald : we always got super cheap tabs
5:33:19 PM sambiddle : because you ’d give them ironware ?
5:33:55 PM Jake : among other reasons
Among other reasons .
Forget the saloon : a boozy workplace was the norm . “ It ’s not rare for the Genius team to be intoxicated , ” Jake noted . Liquid impunity . If they did n’t wish you , they could ruin your computer , find fault it on an number of God , and point you to the fine mark you signed off on and sure enough did n’t read . call client support to complain probably would n’t get much done .
4:29:52 phase modulation Ronald : oh , and the [ 24 hour ] orchard apple tree call center
4:30:00 postmortem examination Ronald : they booze whisky and do coke all night
4:30:09 PM sambiddle : where ’s that ?
4:30:12 postmortem Ronald : [ redact nearby city ]
Getting Busted
Scamming Apple was n’t always a straight path to barren shots and making it rain down iPhones — sometimes , the bad genius were caught in the act . Jake could tell four separate instances of unlimited employee thieving at the store , ranging from manipulating inventory leaning to faking transactions to true - up theft .
One cat pretend to ring up transactions and then would cancel them out after “ pinch ” a add-in . This worked for a long time until someone at last noticed that they never gave their “ client , ” who were in on the scam , receipts . He abstract iPhones , computers , accessories , iPods , everything , but was eventually caught by direction and forced to pay for what he ’d taken ( more than $ 20k ) to avoid criminal charge .
Another was steal cash from the store ’s dependable during nightly count , which went on for several weeks , but was discovered by a coach who had to open up the store the next morning and promptly fired the staffer .
One Genius had a rather elaborate con get going . He was taking service inventory with fake customer . His friends would come in to the entrepot and have their devices replaced with an wrong merchandise ( Say , an original iPhone swap for a 3 one thousand , gratis ) . The newfangled product was put into the client ’s hand and the employee would put the defective product back into available inventorying . This went on for more than a class before they were finally caught and canned , but up until then he was really run an on-line line of work based on this scam .
One idiot was plainly giving production to friends for free , ended up getting watch was chased out of the computer memory by a coach . That was the end of him .
The War on Customers
What about the citizenry who actually came to the store to buy thing and get assistance ? People like us ? Ronald and his buddy also enjoyed destruction as a form of vengeance . Ever been a jerking to an Apple Genius ? Bad melodic theme . Ever watch someone approach the bar with a noxious attitude and a litany of dull query ? They credibly scram what they deserved . The Geniuses always get theirs . How ? By pouring whiskey into a client ’s Mac . Or by mocking them enough to rear a shrine in the back room to whiny , dim customers :
Or this :
6:07:35 post-mortem examination ] Ronald : i ve used someone elses hard drive as a skateboard cause he severalize the store I smell
6:08:05 PM Ronald : or we just erase people ’s hard drives that are bastard
6:08:12 promethium sambiddle : would n’t they complain ?
6:08:31 PM Ronald : they sign a form that legally made us not responsible for for data point
6:08:59 PM sambiddle : what materialize when they came in and complained ?
6:09:06 PM Ronald : show them what they sign
6:09:29 PM Ronald : we tell them multiple times that this could happen
Outed as Gay by Apple Management
Malus pumila employee could be heartless to their customers , sure . But Jake ran into a completely other strand of disrespect at Apple — bastion of progressiveness and tolerance — when his managing director dish the dirt to everyone he work with that he was gay . Jake is gay . But when he start at the Apple store , he was n’t comfortable portion out this with everyone .
The inquiry , which arrantly violates US labor jurisprudence , was bewilder to Jake when he started working : “ At one decimal point , one of the managers asked me flat out if I was [ gay ] , ” Jake call back , “ but I said no and walked away . A few workweek after , I was need the same question again . This fourth dimension I said , ‘ Yes , is that a job ? ' ” Jake postulate the coach to keep the revelation between the two of them , but that did n’t go on . “ Several days go by , ” Jake remembers , “ I ’m remain firm near the Genius Bar , and one of the other concierge walks up to me and say , ‘ So I heard what [ redacted ] said about you … ’ I was puzzle . ” The entire entrepot knew . The manager had out Jake to the whole outfit , to anyone “ who would spare him 5 second of their time . ”
None of this — the theft , the drink , the blazing illegal questioning about sexual orientation by an employer — could be sustainable . It was n’t . presently they all hit quit .
The End
Neither Ronald nor Jake piece of work at the Apple Store anymore . Most of their former coworkers were canned , fly to other jobs , or moved up within Apple . Jake took off , while Ronald had a less glamorous end , fighting his termination as wrongful — to no avail . In his prescribed statemnet to the party , he say “ I have been with Apple for almost 6 years total , and would like to continue to do so . ” But babble out to him now , you do n’t get a sense of much fondness . A little nostagia , now and then : “ I took a lot of Apple employees to the strip club , my girlfriend did n’t know — actually , the Apple Store employees helped me cheat on my girlfriend a lot , ” but not much genuine joyfulness . Except when he remembers that belly - staple regional manager . “ I love that she got fucking can . That bitch . ” Ronald remain , to my cognition , unemployed .
Update : Multiple former and current genius have drop a line in to corroborate the events say in this article . More to come !
Update 2 : Some of the Geniuses emailing in have asked that I note that the above is the exception to the rule . They say they love their line , treat it with regard , and would never affiance in this form of monkey business . deserving keeping in mind .
Update 3 : I was mistaken about Union labor law , which only veto federal employer from discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation . Many states ban this practice , but the state in question here is not one of them .
Were you a rotten Apple Genius ? Ever acknowledge anything questionable bump behind the scenes?Email me !
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